A Therapists Top 5 Tips to Boost Intimacy in Your Relationship
Intimacy is one of those things that can be both coveted and feared at the same time. As human beings, we desire connection and want to be seen, understood, and known. Yet, for many clients that I see, true intimacy can be terrifying. Many people fear emotional vulnerability and have challenges with sexual intimacy. People who experience this fear do not usually wish to avoid intimacy. Instead, they often push others away or even sabotage relationships.
Sexual intimacy issues can arise from differences in libido, desires, fantasies, and arousal challenges. Many people have difficulty communicating their needs. It can feel awkward having an open dialogue about pleasure and sexual communication. Disconnection can also come from pressure to perform or achieve orgasm. This can get in the way of being in the present moment with your partner.
Overcoming this can take time, both to explore and understand the contributing issues, and to practice allowing greater vulnerability.
How common are intimacy challenges?
Sex and intimacy problems are very common. Sometimes, the same problem persists through every relationship we enter. This can be very frustrating. It may be a sign that professional help might be needed to understand the origins of the pattern. Traumatic events in your past can also make intimacy very difficult. If you have had a bad relationship experience in the past, you may not be able to commit to an intimate relationship without some help.
Causes of intimacy challenges
Fears of abandonment, engulfment, or losing yourself in the relationship are at the heart of intimacy fears for many people. In fact, these two fears may often coexist. These fears are generally rooted in past childhood experiences. They are often triggered by the present adult relationships.
Intimacy Problems can arise from issues including:
Childhood trauma, including chronic attachment trauma during childhood
If you felt hurt during critical relationships in childhood, you can become anxious about getting hurt again. As a result, this could cause a considerable impact on adult relationships. Or, you may have felt unseen or misunderstood as a child. If so, we may have a hard time believing that someone could actually love and value us. These self-critical early thoughts can become a very embedded part of who you think you are. Thus, when someone is loving and reacts in a positive way, you experience conflict inside.
Difficulty expressing needs
Again, this may stem from feeling undeserving of another's support. Since partners are unable to "mind read," those needs go unfulfilled, which then confirms the person's feelings that he or she is unworthy.
Past failed romantic relationship/history of abusive relationships
This may include recovering from an affair or cheating. The lack of trust that comes from an affair or an abusive relationship is often a major barrier to intimacy.
Body image concerns/low self-esteem
When you haven't developed a comfortable and accepting relationship with yourself, it is really hard to cultivate a comfortable and intimate sexual relationship with someone else.
5 Tips to Combat Intimacy Challenges
Look at your history:
Most of us don't want to think in a negative way about a parent. But, it’s helpful to look at childhood relationships. This can allow us to find possible contributions to your fear of intimacy. Think about the messages you received in your family. Remember the models of relationships that you had.
Focus on communication:
Often, we hold back our feelings in long-term relationships. We assume our partner knows our feelings. Or, we will ignore a problem rather than face the conflict because it feels easier. But, maintaining good avenues of communication is imperative to feeling connected. Disagreeing is also an important aspect of any relationship. Being able to talk to your partner in a calm and respectful way is essential to maintain intimacy. Silence only builds resentment.
Show your love and gratitude for your partner in an open manner:
Many of us assume that our partners know we love them. But, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t remind them through both our words and our actions on a regular basis. It’s important to take the time to show our appreciation to our partners for the small things that they do. These small gestures are all acts of caring. Actively acknowledging them can remind you of your connection to each other.
Take the pressure off of a perceived outcome (like an orgasm):
Be open to letting the ideal outcome be experiencing your partner in the moment. When you remove the pressure to reach a milestone during intimacy, it allows you to let go and be in the moment.
Talk to an expert:
Professional sexual therapy is often needed. Especially if the intimacy issue has roots in complicated past events. By working with an intimacy therapist you can process emotions related to intimacy. Together, you can gain insight into what might make intimacy difficult, and get support to build intimacy. They will work on any underlying issues that might make it harder to connect.
Begin Intimacy Counseling in Westchester, County, NY
Addressing intimacy issues can feel very uncomfortable at times. But, I have seen the benefits that come from working towards a better relationship. You can expect a safe, empowering environment at my Westchester County therapy practice where I see clients from Pleasantville, Chappaqua, Bedford, and Mt. Kisco. To start your therapy journey, follow these simple steps:
Learn more about me
Start connecting with your partner on a deeper level
Other Services Offered by Joanna N. Rosenblatt
Intimacy counseling isn’t the only service offered from my Westchester, NY-based therapy practice. I offer anxiety treatment, therapy for women, EMDR therapy, and OCD treatment. For individuals, I offer therapy for infertility, sexuality and intimacy issues, and postpartum depression and anxiety treatment. Feel free to learn more about my online therapy services, or visit my about page!